Lately...

Things have been so weird lately... so much has gone on... so many decisions have been made... so much confusion has been issued. I am ready to graduate and get settled in whatever I'm going to be doing for the next year/ couple of years, however long God is going to keep me in that place.

School hasn't been that bad this semester. I got my preceptorship in the open heart surgery unit at Shelby Baptist in Alabaster. It's not what I wanted... but I've actually ended up liking it. I had to move back home to Albertville in May, which I wasn't happy about, but God has used it to show me what amazing friends I have. Beth, Meghan, and Anna have allowed me to stay in their places multiple times this semester during the week, so I won't have to get up at 3:30 AM to get to clinical in time. I do love them for that reason!! I've also grown closer to some of my Albertville friends, since being home more.

Lately, I feel like I've been having to make way too many decisions!! Where do I want to live? Where do I want to work? What do I want to do with my life? To make it even harder, an opportunity came up a few weeks ago for me to spend a few months in Niger after graduating to live and work in a children's home. If you are like, "whaaaaat?" I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I hardly told anyone. I wanted to do this SO badly. At first, I thought that I would actually be staying for more like a year and that maybe possibly the IMB would help with funding a little bit. Then I learned that I would have to raise the money and be there by August, so... hence we dropped to just a few months! lol. I talked to the girl in Africa who would be my teammate, and then took a week to pray about it. I wanted to go and do this so badly, but no matter how much faith I tried to have about raising the money or how excited I was, I could not feel peace in my heart about going. Which made me feel even worse. I emailed the missionaries today and told them that I had decided to not come. I will explain more of my reason for this later, but here are the four kids that live there. There are also about 10 kids that come there everyday. The orphanage is a project the church in Niamey is starting. They eventually want to have activities for the kids each week. They want to teach them French and teach them different skills. This way when they grow up, they will have a better chance at doing well in Niger. It is very hard to find a job in Niger, so if they grow up speaking French and having special skills, they will do great. The church also wants to teach the kids about Jesus, in hopes that as they grow physically, they'll also grow spiritually.

The two girls' names are Nadia and Rebecca and the boys' names are Abdulah and Ishmael. I hope when I go back to Niger in August, I'll maybe be able to go and meet these kids. They have a special place in my heart, even though I've never met them. Part of me wants to not go there in August though, I think it'll make me feel even worse about choosing to not go and work with them. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made... I'm still not okay with it... happy about it... settled. I know the decision is made, but I'm still trying to find a way to work around what I know God has told me. I don't understand God at all sometimes. I really don't, but something inside always tells me that he's trustworthy. He's been there for me in ridiculous times before, so I know this will work out right. They still need someone to work for these kids... so... if you want to go... let me know!

In the middle of all this, I'm still looking for a nursing job, trying to figure out where I'd like to work. I really want to work at Children's Hospital in Birmingham, but there are no openings right now. This past week, on Thursday and Friday, I got to shadow at Children's. On Thursday, I shadowed in the hematology/oncology unit and on Friday in bone marrow transplant. I had such an amazing 2 days, and want so badly to work with kids with cancer. A few highlights... on Thursday I learned early not to assume the gender of a younger bald kid. I called a 3 year old girl, a boy... lol! I learned that I'm not crazy for my obsession about kids with cancer. There was a baby on the unit that was just so adorable. One of the nurses said, "He's so cute now, just imagine how adorable he'll be bald!" :) Friday, on bone marrow transplant I got to shadow a nurse who was taking care of a 9 year old who had his transplant the day before. He got his transplant from his big sister.

He was SUCH a cute kid. Baseball and football stuff was ALL over his room. He was really sick and throwing up when I first got there, and that was hard to watch. I mean you know it happens with kids with cancer from the chemo, but it's different when it's a kid you know right in front of you. We got him some medicine and he got to feeling better though. The nurses were telling me some of the things he'd done since being on the unit. These kids that get transplanted usually stay on the unit for about a month. And they have no immune system eventually, so they CAN'T leave. They can't even go to fun events in the hospital like other kids can. Well, the nurse told me that one day he walked out of the room and said, "Jessica (one of the nurses) doesn't shave her arm pits." They were all like what? And about that time she walked out of the med room. He repeated it, and she said, "YES I DO!!" Then he said, "she bent over me and I SAW black dots!!" :D Then one time he was playing guitar hero in his room. One of the nurses was in there, and she bent over and a bit of her crack showed I guess. He started singing about blue moons to the song he was playing! :D Then while I was there, he took off his heart monitor leads and put them on his head. His dad said, "Take those off now... we don't know what's coming off of them... don't want a brain tumor" LOL!! I LOVE these kids and families.

I heard about some hard stuff with the kid though. When they get transplants they have to get crazy doses of chemo for over a week. Most of the time they get 2 kinds of chemo on the same day. These doses are about 10x the level of what a normal kid gets just to treat cancer. The doses of chemo are lethal, so if for some reason the transplant doesn't work, then they will loose the kid. But they give the kids a calender that has what days they get chemo up until the transplant. The last day before the transplant, they usually don't get any chemo, and the calender says, "The day of rest." This poor 9 year old looked at that calender, and thought that the day of rest was the day he was going to die. Also, while I was there he had to get a really small dose of chemo. When the nurses give chemo they have to wear blue gloves and gown to protect them. When the nurse came in to give his chemo, he saw her, and said, "WHATS. THAT.?" We all had to just be like it's okay... this is such a small dose, and it's nothing compared to what you've had to do before." Yellow syringes and IV bags with yellow fluid are the worst thing for these kids to see.

I absolutely loved the past 2 days though. I want to work with kids with cancer so badly, but there are not openings at Children's right now... no openings in the entire hospital to be exact. I'm also thinking about where I want to live. I've thought about huntsville, albertville, birmingham, tuscaloosa, etc. Of course, some of these depending on where I get a job. I really wanted to save some money and move back to bham as soon as I could, but last night, God told me once again that he wants me to stay in Albertville for a bit. I have some good friends in Albertville, but it's not the same as my friends in Birmingham. Maybe part of it is because I haven't been around as much, maybe it will take time... I don't know. But last night I went to this event in Boaz - right beside albertville. I just went because 10th ave north was playing and because the youth group needed chaperones. But the event was called, "Recovery on the Mountain". I live on Sand Mountain, also known as "meth mountain." It's so bad here that A&E even did a special on our county. Last night, God showed me that he wanted me to stay in Albertville, instead of trying to move somewhere else. Not what I would have picked, but I'm excited to see what he has for me to do here. I don't really know why He wants me to stay. Luckily, continuing to live with my parents the entire time was not part of this revelation. So, Jennifer will soon be getting herself a little quaint home of her own. I love my parents, a lot, but living with them as a 22 year old who has lived on her own the past 4 years is not too much fun.

So... now I just have to find a job.

Matthew 6:5-8

Prayer... I need a lot of work on it. Really, I just need to learn everyday to make it a priority. Because I need to talk to God, and I need to sit at his feet and listen for his voice. It's great when I take the time, and really have communion with God. But most of the time I don't ever get to the secret place that Jesus describes in Matthew 6:5-8.

"Whenever you pray, you must not be like the hypocrites, because they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by people. I assure you: The've got their reward! But when you pray, go into your private room, shut your door, and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you. When you pray, don't babble like the idolaters, since they imagine they'll be heard for their many words. Don't be like them, because your Father knows the things you need before you ask him."

It's shameful to say that sometimes when I pray, I'm just praying because I know it's what I'm supposed to do. I'm having a problem or someone else is hurting or I want something, and I've been taught since I was little to pray, so I pray. But a lot of times, I think the kind of praying I do is pretty close to the "babbling" and "standing in the synagogues and on the street corners" that Jesus talks about in Matthew. I just yearn for my prayers to be honest and true, and just plain pure time spent with God. I want my prayers to be about God and his glory, because that's when prayers will be answered. I want them to be full of faith.

Ephesians 6:18, "With every prayer and request, pray at all times in the spirit, and stay alert in this, with all perseverance and intercession for all the saints." Right before this verse, Paul is talking about the spiritual armor that we need to wear as followers of Christ. I am so tired of my prayers being about going down a list, or remembering that I meant to pray for this thing three days ago, and now I'm going to... a couple sentences. Prayer is talking to the God of the universe. It's about speaking up in the middle of a battle. That's what it is, and I often just treat it like a journal entry or something.

I know a few people, who are amazing prayerers. For them, their time in prayer is time spent in the middle of a battle zone. They are serious, they're for real. I want that. I want that everyday. Some examples?

1 Timothy 5:5 says, "The real widow, left all alone, has put her hope in God and continues night and day in her petitions and prayers." James 5:16-18 says, "...The intense prayer of the righteous is very powerful. Elijah was a man with a nature like ours; yet he prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and for three years and six months it did not rain on the land. Then he prayed again, and the sky gave rain and the land produced its fruit."

Sometimes I feel so far from God, but it's probably because I don't have a ton of times of pure communion with Jesus. Jesus just says in Matthew to get alone, throw off your selfishness, and just come to him. He even says that you don't have to know what to say. I think that's why messes me up sometimes. I'm so frustrated or so upset about something, and I've ran over it and over it in my head, and talked to other people about it, and by the time that I decide to talk to God about it, I'm so confused I don't even know what to pray for. But Jesus says, "your father knows the things you need before you ask him." That's awesome. Because most of the time I don't know what I want, much less what I need.

I also wanted to share something from a book I've been reading. It has nothing to do with prayer... sorry haha! I've been reading, "Crazy Love". It's an amazing book; I highly recommend it. I wanted to share some of the stories that are shared in the next to last chapter. I hope this isn't illegal... :-/ These stories are pretty much just about people who had/have crazy love for Jesus and for other people. The cool thing about reading these after reading Crazy Love, is that you don't really think these people are that crazy anymore. It's more like "man, what am I doing in my life?"

Nathan Barlow:
A medical doctor who chose to utilize his skills in Ethiopia for more than sixty years, Nathan dedicated his life to helping people with mossy foot. Mossy foot is a debilitating condition primarily found in rural districts, on people who work in soil of volcanic origin. It causes swelling and ulcers in the feet and lower legs. The subsequent deformity, swelling, repeated ulcerations, and secondary infections make people with mossy foot social outcasts eqivalent to lepers.
I met Nathan shortly before he died. His daughter, Sharon Daly, attends my church and brought him to her home from Ethiopia when his health started to fail. After only a few weks, he couldn't handle being in the states. The people he loved were still in Ethiopia, so his daughter flew him back home so he could spend his last days there.
Once, Nathan got a toothache, the pain of which was so intense that he had to fly away from the mission field to get medical attention. Nathan told the dentist that he didn't ever want to leave the mission field for the sake of his teeth again, so he had the dentist pull out all of his teeth and give him false ones so he wouldn't slow God's work in Ethiopia.

Jamie Lang:
When Jamie was twenty-three years old she flew from the US to Tanzania with $2000 from her savings account. She planned to stay until she ran out of money, at which point she would come home. Jamie was overwhelmed by all of the need that she encounteed, so she started praying that God would allow her to make a radical difference in one person's life. After about six months she met an 8 year old girl at church who was carrying a baby on her back. Jamie learned that the baby's mother was dying from AIDS and that she was too weak to care for him. Jamie began to buy formula for the little boy, Junio, to provide him with the nutrtion he desperately needed. At the time, he was half the size of a healthy baby.
Jamie fell in love with baby Junio. She wondered if she was being foolish, a barely twenty-four year old, single, white American, entertaining thoughts of adopting a baby. Besides, she didn't even know if Tanzania allowed internatonal adoptions. Eventually, she discovered that the country didn't, but however, because she had lived there for over 6 months, she could establish residency.
Before Junio's mom died from AIDS, she came to jamie and said, "I have heard how you are taking care of my son, and I have never known such a love. I want to be saved."
Junio is now 5 years old, totally healthy, and HIV negative. Since adopting Junio, Jamie has gotten married, had a little girl, and is moving back to Tanzania with her family to work with Wycliffe to translate the Bible for a group that has never heard it before.

The Robynson Family:
This family of five, with 3 kids under the age of 10, chooses to celebrate the birth of Christ in a unique way. On Christmas mornings, instead of focusing on the presents under the tree, they make pancakes, brew an urn of coffee, and head downtown. Once there, they load the coffee and food into the back of a red wagaon. Then, with the eager help of their three-year-old, they pull the wagon around the mostly empty streets in search of homeless foks to offer a warm and filling breakfast on Christmas morning. All three of the Robynson kids look forward to this time of giving a little bit of tangible love to people who otherwise would have been cold and probably without breakfast. Can you think of a better way to start the holiday that celebrates the God who is love?

A Very Long Update

I'm so glad that I only have about 4 weeks left of this crazy semester!! I have learned a lot this semester, and I have really loved my clinicals. I only had four pediatric clinicals in cardiac surgery, and I really miss working with kids!! I really hope to get a preceptorship at Children's, because I am looking forward to working with sick kids again. It is so rewarding and so much fun!

I actually have really enjoyed the trauma/burn unit too. I had my first burn patient the second week of clinicals. The burn dressing team had just debrided and dressed him, and as I was going into his room for the first time, they asked me if I just wanted to hook him back up to everything. I said, "Sure!" because I've done it tons of times. But this poor guy was burned over his entire body. I didn't even know where to put his blood pressure cuff? Thankfully the nurse came in, and taught me where to put everything. Then I had to try to get used to the smell. It was terrible, and I kept smelling it all weekend long! Then after my dinner break, I went back in the room to check on him, and he was in so much pain. All he said was, "Help, I hurt." But I can't tell you in words how terrible it made me feel. Then later that night, the nurse and I had to do face care. He was burned on his face, but at UAB they don't put dressings on the face. You have to take gauze soaked in saline, and clean his poor raw little face. You also have to use the gauze to loosen up any dead tissue and pull it off. So... by the time I left that clinical, I had decided that I never wanted to work with a burn patient again, and that it was too traumatic and I just couldn't do it.

But I had more burn patients. And now... I would much rather have a burn patient then a trauma patient. I really enjoy working with them. But it is very sad. Many of them lay in the hospital for months and months in pain and end up dying anyway. In ICU last week, my patient had been burned on 78% of her body. Her house caught on fire, and her only way out was to run through the fire. It was terrible, every family member or friend that came to see her walked out of the room crying. They made the decision while I was there to change her to supportive care. Meaning they will keep her on the ventilator, they will do her dressing changes, give her her medications and fluids, but if her heart was to stop they wouldn't code her. I hope that soon they'll decide to take her off the ventilator and move her to palliative care.

I went to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital on Monday!! Of course, it is a hospital that only treats pediatric cancers, and it's in Memphis. I've always dreamed about working at this hospital, but the actual visit was kind of anti-climatic. The hospital is super nice, and all the employees are also very nice. There are so many play areas for the kids. There is also a room for teenagers where no one but teenagers and child life specialists can go in this room. No parents, doctors, or nurses. I thought that was cool. I also thought it was cool to see how many bald headed kids were just running around the hospital. They've definitely made themselves at home there! One thing that I'm not sure what I think about is how they get patients. Patients have to be referred by a doctor, but they will only take a patient if that patient qualifies and agrees to participate in one of their clinical trials.

But they are a research hospital, and they are looking for a cure. Their purpose isn't just to treat cancer. Plus, a lot of their patients have such complicated disease processes that they need these clinical trials for another chance. It might be their only option. I just don't know if it's the kind of environment that I would want to work in. Not that I would ever get a job there, it's super competitive.

So, the next few weeks are going to involve lots of studying and school work, lots of stress, and very little social time. I'm so ready for it to be over! I only have 2 clinicals left. Hopefully, we will get to have our lottery for preceptorships for next semester before this semester ends. There are only 10 spots at Children's Hospital. I really want one!!

Nursing School These Days...

I don't think anyone reads this... but it's a good break from clinical paperwork! Not that I have done enough to deserve a break, but I guess procrastination happens!! This semester I have two classes and two clinicals. We have our second adult class, which with the new curriculum is a mix of the old high acuity adult class and the 2nd med-surg class. So, they're teaching us a butt load of crap!! And my other lecture class is pediatrics... only happy words there!!

Then I have two clincals. My adult clinical is in the trauma/burn unit at UAB. I was really excited about this clinical, because I thought that I was interested in trauma and the ER. But now I'm rethinking that... not so much because I don't like it, but because I think I like something else better (I'll get to that later!) My clinical instructor for adult is Dorothea V. Poole... yep... The few times that we interacted with her before we picked our clinicals she seemed like a lot of fun and like she would be pretty laid back. Well, she is a completely different person in clinical. Totally serious and never cracks a joke... and the most intimidating person I have ever been around before in my life!

But then, she is always talking about Jesus! She told us one night after making one girl in my clinical group cry... that the reason she is so hard on us is because this "nursing mission" is a call that God has put on her life, and that she has to answer to God about it, not to us. So... that's cool, but I think she could go about it in a better way. If Jesus was my clinical instructor, I don't think he'd act like she does... Of course, maybe he would just heal everyone and we could go home early!! haha :D

My other clinical is in the pediatric cardiac and thoracic surgery unit at UAB. The more I go to peds clinical the more I love it, and the more I go to peds clinical the more I dislike adult clincal!! For peds clinical I have a R.N. partner instead of a clinical instructor and group. I really like that because I get to care for 3 or 4 patients instead of just one. Most of our heart patients are either babies or toddlers or teenagers. And most of them have some type of congenital heart defect and have to have their first few surgeries very early in life. Then the teens come back for heart transplants because their hearts have started to fail. I haven't gotten to care for a teen yet that was in the hospital to get his or her heart transplant, just those that were back for complications like kidney failure or something like that. I am learning that I really enjoy working with kids that are in the hospital a lot. Like heart kids, or cancer or cystic fibrosis. But... heart stuff is really really complicated! I don't think I have enough of a passion for it to be a pediatric cardiac nurse!

Also this semester I have been volunteering with Relay for Life. I am the survivorship chair for UAB's Relay. So, I am working on getting cancer patients and cancer survivors from UAB and Children's Hospital involved in our Relay. The more I learn about pediatric cancer and talk to peds oncology nurse practitioners and nurses, the more I want to do pediatric oncology. It is kind of what led me to nursing in the first place... I just really think that it is one of my callings in life, and I am excited about getting to the point in my life when God will allow me to help kick some childhood cancer butt!!